hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
