my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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