Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
