I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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