sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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