apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
