I cannot find my penis.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
