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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
