haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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