I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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