I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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