i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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