Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well you can't waste a boner
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
