I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
