my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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