Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
