Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
