anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
