Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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