she woke up with a sticky ear
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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