i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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