last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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