I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
