he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
