There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
