You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
