I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
