I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
