On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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