I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
