Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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