birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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