genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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