I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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