Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
sarcasm needs its own font
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
