I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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