i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
