I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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