Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
