talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
