Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
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Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize