the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
