last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
