i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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