i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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