just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
