Your dad touched me again.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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