did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
