So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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