I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
