My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
