She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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