she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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