I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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