Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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