His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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