if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Too much gin, very little bucket
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I will be naked everywhere
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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