I wish I only lived at night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize